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Couples often tell us the fight is about chores, money or time with family. Ten minutes in, it turns out to be about something else: feeling noticed, feeling fair, feeling like a team.
In this article
The same argument returns because the real question never gets answered. "Why are the dishes still there?" often means "Do you see how much I am carrying?"
Once a couple can hear that question, the dishes become easy. Until then, every solution to the dishes feels like it misses the point, because it does.
I rarely help couples solve the problem they arrive with. I help them hear the one underneath, and then they solve it themselves.
Daniel Reyes, LMFT, from the room
How a hard conversation starts usually decides how it ends. These openings keep it from becoming a trial.
"Can we talk about this when we are both calm?"
Timing is half of a good conversation.
"I feel alone with this."
Feelings are easier to hear than charges.
"What would help you right now?"
A question invites your partner in.
"I want us to be on the same side."
It names the goal before the detail.
In couples work, both of you have a voice, and the therapist does not take sides. Expect questions like these.
Most couples come for eight to twelve sessions. Some come with a crisis; many come simply because they want the next ten years to be better than the last two.
The goal is not to stop arguing. It is to argue in a way that brings you closer.
Sessions are seventy-five minutes, in person on Monroe Street or online from home.
After a hard session, give each other some space before picking it up again. Agree a time to come back to it rather than letting it run on into the evening.
If one of you is unsure about coming, start with a free call together. It is a low-stakes way to see whether this could help.
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